Making the World Safe for my Father's Chili

I believe a man is only as good as his meatballs.

Which is to say that from our earliest days as a species, when chucking spears at the nearest saber-toothed mammal took the place of, say, chucking spent beer cans at the TV after a Browns interception, there has been a primal connection between guys and food.

Tom Hanks, in Castaway, knows what I mean. "I have made fire!" he roars.

The scene left on the cutting room floor is from the next moment, when Tom, weeping, realizes there's no good flank stank for a thousand or so miles. Somehow, a grilled Wilson volleyball doesn't go as well with fermented coconut juice.

Simply put, real men cook.

Read the full essay in the February 27 edition of the Youngstown Vindicator, online here:

www.vindy.com

Fortune Smiles on the Barter-minded

Fortune Smiles on ME



:-D


Barter-minded. Did I really use that in a subject line?

OK. Here's the poop. Purveyors of fine oriental cuisine have never been stingy with the fortune cookies, and in a household with two adults and one baby more prone to SMASHING said fortune cookies to dusty bits rather than eating them (though just give him the chance to gum that strip of paper), we often have an excess of good mojo (or the Chinese equivalent) to go around.

You, too, I'm betting.

So how to decide who gets which fortune? Can't you just feel the heavy gears of fate hinging on our decision?

Well, not exactly.

I made an executive move the other night over sweet and sour chicken and General Tso's and swapped my fortune, from a cookie already opened and almost devoured, with my wife's. I can't remember what my original fortune said, but hers was:

OPPORTUNITY AWAITS YOU NEXT MONDAY.

Which, assuming your average Wok Hut doesn't follow Associated Press style, and seeing as this was Friday, I took to mean Jan. 28, my first day of classes for the spring semester. I figured -- I can use all the "opportunity" I can get.

Which is funny, because we read so much into those inch-high strips, don't we? Opportunity means... what, excatly? Opportunity to be an asshole? Opportunity to cross the street? Opportunity to drive a sensible family sedan with a sometimes-kicking V-6 under the hood? Opportunity to eat the extra cupcake?

Well... check (shamefully... but we're talking ONCE all day here -- what's your record?), check to the checked power, check and check, and check (Mmmmmm... Hostess from the freezer).
I'm not about to take my on-duty Wok Hut representative to Vegas or anything, but not bad for $20 on a snowy Friday night.

And excess fortune cookies mean you can get another glimpse at the fates on the reheat. Mine was:

JUST BE YOURSELF; YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

Ah, Wok Hut. Flattery will get you everywhere! And for the sake of ancient fast-food tradition, I will agree with you.